Dickward Judge's Choice
Author: snshyne // Category:Dickward
from Edward Cullen: Dick for Hire by fl95
I gotta fucking admit, it was hard as hell to find a favorite goddamn story in this contest but when I came across this one, I stopped one chuckle short of a goddamn hyperventilation.
Not only is the Bella in this fuckery like, my sister from another motherfuckin’ mister, but she made excellent use of the phrase “shitty shitty” and she’s…quite goddamn feisty. Also , major props to this writer for best use of Batman references (eg: Holy fudgesicles, I had a date. )
Her inner ramblings were fucking hilarious and the fact that she popped this dude’s cherry for him, so to speak, just made it all that better in my humble motherfucking opinion, that is. I mean, she’s completely unselfish and giving, in a very sexy, I haven’t had sex in a long goddamn time and this dude is making me shimmy like a porn star kinda way.
I think Jo liked that she was a hair dresser too, just sayin.
When she realizes he’s NOT a day over eighteen (he’s two days over, just for the record)…I died and the fact that even though this guy is a virge…he’s still goddamn smooth as a ice, well…it just made me a seriously proud motherfucker.
Example numero uno:
"But you're so confident," I panted, "and you really seem to know what you're doing," I said as me rubbed the caramel across my tummy and onto my hips.
He leaned towards my face, and brushed my hair aside. "I have a lot of pent up desire," he said, velvet voice licking my ears, "and a great imagination," he added with a smile.
Need I say more?
Seriously.
The pacing was great and the lead up to their “date” was fun to read.
The ice cream based innuendo turn with the hardening and the licking and the…well, you get my goddamn drift. It is all pure win and I give two thumbs up for this Edward bringing the whole goddamn store with him because, in his words, "I didn't know what you'd like, so I brought one of everything. I guess we'll have a smorgasbord."
NICE.
It’s hard as fuck (pun intended my friends) to get my ass to laugh at shit…especially in fan fiction, a lot of times it seems like it’s forced but I found myself chucking at just about every goddamn paragraph in this one.
Example number two is one of my favorite parts:
Our two ice-cream flavors were cookies and cream and the coffee brownie one I licked from his finger earlier. I got tingly and wished we got mint.
You know what that stuff does, don't deny it.
As for sauces, Edward picked up marshmallow, caramel magic shell, and…
…be still my aching heart…
…Nutella.
Do you think he'd mind if I proposed? We could run away to Vegas tonight, I think.
He caught me eyeballing the Nutella. "Good stuff, right?" he asked, nearly begging for my approval.
"Better than good," I half-whispered, and began separating the sprinkle-ables.
There were rainbow and chocolate jimmies, gummy bears, flaked coconut, and three different kind of nuts. "You look like a nut-lover," he said, then clasped his hand over his mouth in horror.
"I am! I am!" I reassured him, adding "I'm glad you got pre-crushed ones, because I hate having to bust them."
OH god.
Nutella, by the way, is the goddamn bomb, for those of you who are not aware of that fucking fact.
Example number three is a simple line that made me lose my shit and even Jo spit most of her goddamn Pepsi Max out…onto me, I might add.
He was an organized licker;
Now tell me, who doesn’t appreciate the fine art of organizing your pussy lickin?
Not me, ladies and gentlemen.
But I digress.
Listen, I could quote the whole damn story for ya here, but seriously, just…fucking read it, and laugh your ass off because this my friends, is the real deal.
Thanks for writing and when I find out who your ass is, I’ll be looking up some more of your shit.
Sincerely,
Cullen.
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